I didn’t see him there, lurking against the wall.
In retrospect, it seems odd that I would have missed him. Six foot six, 240 pounds of pure muscle, shoulders like a linebacker…. it really does seem odd that I didn’t notice him at first.
I definitely noticed him when he reached out and grabbed me by my shirt, slamming my back against the wall with a force that knocked the breath out of me.
“BUY CHICKENS,” he rasped in an eerie voice, not unlike Bane from Batman.
Actually, now that I think about it, he totally looked like Bane from Batman. He had a creepy weird mask, and evil eyes, and it was dark and rainy even though it was 8:30 in the morning.
So anyways, there he was, all creepy and scary and demanding I buy little bitty baby chickens, but, well, you know me. I’m brave, and strong, and it takes a lot to scare me.
“NEVER,” I cried, struggling to pull out of his inexorable grip. It felt like thrashing against a brick wall, and for a brief moment I panicked. I was trying to escape with all my strength, and he wasn’t even budging. I kicked at his knee cap and he grunted at the impact, but since he was 6’7 and Bane and all, it didn’t really do that much damage.
“BUY CHICKENS,” he repeated.
I let my body relax, thinking I could lull him into relaxing his hold, but when I kicked off against the wall he barely twitched.
I paused, panting, and spit in his face. “”Let go of me, you warthog-faced buffoon! My husband has our monthly budget all planned out, and I would never ruin it like that!”
“BUY CHICKENS, OR IT WILL BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL… FOR YOU.”
“You think I care about pain? You think you scare me? My husband and I are a team! We decided on this budget together! I will not betray him!”
“BUY THE CHICKENS, OR I WILL REMOVE YOUR ARM.”
“I don’t care! Remove my arm! He is my beloved husband, and I will not turn against him!”
And then he said something that truly scared me. “BUY THE CHICKENS OR I WILL PUT DOOR DINGS ON YOUR HUSBAND’S CAR, AND MASH A MOLDY BANANA DEEP INTO THE SEAT CUSHIONS.”
Bean, I could have withstood anything, even though he was 6’8 and 300 pounds of sheer muscle, even though his face mask creeped me out, and even though he literally had my back against the feed store wall. My love for you is that strong.
But Bean. BEAN. He threatened your car.
Bean, I know how much you love that car, and I just… I just couldn’t let him do that. I know that getting chicks will mean a lot of personal sacrifice on my end, as I prepare a place for them to live in, and set up the heat lamp.
I’ll have to care for them round the clock, and clean up after them, and… and… pick them up and hold them…. and it will be so hard making sure sure they get hugged all the time….
It will mean so much work and sweat and effort on my part…. but I don’t care. I knew the moment the words left Bane that I would do anything to protect your car, even if it meant buying baby chicks that weren’t in this month’s budget.
That’s how much I love you, Bean. I am willing to sacrifice for you that much.
“BUY CHICKS”, Bane repeated. “BUY CHICKS OR THE BEAN’S CAR WILL BE RUINED.”
And so I did.
Do you think you can get home tonight before the feed store closes so we can pick them out together, or do you just want to go tomorrow morning? I was thinking Ameraucanas that lay the blue eggs, Barred Rocks, and maybe a Leghorn would adequately prove my devotion to you and your car, as well as give us enough eggs.