Shallow Hope

This is so inconsequential compared to the big, important, “real life” stuff happening out there.


Today my mom offered to watch the kids so I got in my car, backed out of my driveway, closed the gate, and drove very slowly to my new barn.

I arrived and took the long way through all the barns so I could walk and see each horse.  To be honest, I’m a little concerned this barn might ruin me for life.  It’s like…. if you had a 5 star chef cooking food for you every single day, would that make you appreciate food more, or would it just make all other food taste kind of gross?

At any rate, since boarding here is still new to me, I am like a 14 year old boy set free at a Playboy bunny convention (do those exist?  Eh.  Roll with me on my simile here).


Anyways, I took the long way to the barn so I could stare at all the Morgans, because some of them are for sale, so I better gawk while the gawking’s good.



This is a yearling (Scandias Signature). None of her yearlings got the memo that they’re supposed to be gawky.


One of these days someone is gonna buy Scandias Anthem…. and I’m gonna be so sad when they do.  In the meantime, I get to scratch on him whenever I want…. SWEEEET.

I arrived at Caspian’s stall (he’d just come in from spending all night out at pasture), took him out, and groomed him.

I saddled him, and led him to the roundpen and asked him to go around a few times to warm up.

I mounted up and rode, with the sun beating down on my shoulders and the wind making the summer flowers bend in the breeze.

I cooled him down and hopped off.

I groomed him again.

I said hello to Kathleen (the breeder/barn owner).

I picked Caspian’s stall and picked up his manure from the round pen.

I got in my car and drove home – slowly again, so I could know how long it might take me if there was ice on the ground.


Wait for it……

And I did it all in 1 hour and 20 minutes.


Guys, I know this is so small compared to some of the bigger issues some people face….. but I am feeling so hopeful for the first time in a long time.  I might actually be able to do this “mom of four” and “horse owner” thing after all.

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New Barn and Morgan Horses

About a month before the twins were due, I received a Facebook message.  I’m too lazy to look up the actual wording, but the basic idea was this:

“Hey Becky, I know you’re going to have your hands full with twins and you probably won’t get as much horse time as you want over the next few months, so if you ever wanted to board out here, we’d be open to the idea.  We have plenty of turnout….”

The message wasn’t all that thrilling in and of itself – it was who it was from that made me all hand flappy with excitement.
You guys remember how excitable I was back in 2012 when I started researching barns around my new home in Oregon?

Remember how I wrote that one post where I went and called dibs on all the pretty Morgans that lived on a Morgan horse farm right by me?

Remember how I was drooling over contestant # 1 in my last post?

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, remember how I’ve been peppering my feed with constant updates about the horses over at Scandia Morgan Horse Farm, sighing and drooling?

Well, it was that farm who reached out to me.

I’d met the owner when I first came into town and had a chance to go out and groom a couple of times, but life got in the way of me doing anything more so I had to kind of drool from a distance.

Fast forward four years (can you believe I’ve already lived in Oregon for four years?!), and she wrote to me.

I sat on my answer for days, because I was completely torn.

On the one hand, Scandia Morgans was not only closer to me, it offered more turnout and was… well, let’s face it.  It’s a stunning barn chock full of stunning Morgans. Boarding at a place like that would be like The Bean getting a call from a parking garage in Portland, offering him a chance to park his car in an Aston-Martin-Only Parking garage.

And yes, the only reason I put that metaphor in there is because I’m still trying to explain to The Bean how excited I am over what just happened.   After close to 9 years together he gets a glazed look every time I start talking horse, but he still reads my blog, so I’ve got to work with what I’ve got.

Aston Martins, Bean.  Scandia Morgan Horse Farm is the horse equivalent of a barn full of Aston Martins.

Anyways, like I said, I sat on my answer for days. On the hand, all of the above…

But on the other hand, I was about to give birth to twins, and should I really rock the boat? I loved my current barn, and Caspian was receiving great care, and we’d already been there for almost two years. What if something happened and the new situation wasn’t a good fit?  What if Caspian decided to tear around his new pasture in the middle of winter and slip and slide through a fence, causing tons of vet bills at a time when we could least afford them?

What if, what if, what if?

I finally decided to regretfully decline the offer, mostly out of fear of the unknown.

Fast forward a couple of month.

I had Caspian in the cross ties, grooming him after one of my too-infrequent trips to the barn when the barn owner came up to break the news.  There was no rush, but she wanted to let me know that they were going to slowly be shutting down the barn to boarders.  Too much work for too little income… they were making decent money by offering up the indoor arena to clinics instead…. there was no rush but maybe I could start looking around for a new barn, etc, etc….

I raced home, logged onto Facebook, and shot out a message as fast as my fingers could type.  Was the offer still open?  Was there still space available? I knew she wasn’t going to be a boarding barn, but had been hoping to only have one or two friends keep their horses with her, so I was really worried I’d missed my opportunity and she’d already found someone else.

As luck would have it (in case you haven’t already figured it out) guess who just became the newest horse at Scandia Morgan Horse farm this morning? 🙂 🙂 🙂




I’m usually pretty good at picking horses out from each other….. but with these guys I keep guessing wrong.  They are almost all bay, and they all have the same pretty head and clean lines.

It was a little bittersweet saying goodbye to the old barn, since I’d had such a great time there, loved the care he received, and had spent more than two years boarding there…. but this new situation is too, too perfect for words.

The best part about the whole situation is that it’s not really a boarding barn.  The only horses there who aren’t Scandia Morgans are Caspian, and one other lady’s Morgans.  I know it sounds kind of antisocial to be so excited about the lack of sociability at this barn…..

But while I don’t mind chatting with other boarders, when I get the rare chance to spend some time with my horse, that’s usually what I like doing – spending time with my horse. I don’t mind talking with people I know, but at a busy barn you’re not only obligated to remember names (something I’m terrible at), you’re also obligated to make a lot of small talk with semi-strangers (something I’m equally terrible at.)  If I’m paying a babysitter or using up spouse points by getting some kid-free time, I’d rather spend my time riding or just enjoying the peace that horses bring, rather than sitting on a hay bale and talking, you know?

Wait… where was I, before I got all “get off my lawn” about being sociable at the barn?

Ah, yes.  So, today I moved Caspian to his new barn.  Although he had a minute or two of hollering out his welcome to the other horses during the long driveway up, by the time I unloaded him he was acting like he’d been living there for years.

That’s not to say there wasn’t a lot of nervous snorting and blowing – there was plenty of that going on…. but it was being done by the other horses as I led him down the aisles.

Horses may not see the same color as humans, but they certainly notice the lack of it.  Most of the young stock had never seen a grey horse before, and they were really unnerved by the giant, white, lumbering “ghost”.

His stall inside is a private box stall – but after he settles in, if he gets along with the other horses, he can actually spend a lot of his time out in the pasture (as long as the weather holds, but still, hooray!).

And, oh, what a pasture it is.

IMG_3524 (2)

I think this is technically the mare/foal field, but they all pretty much look the same brand of amazing.




View from the roundpen- there’s another turnout pasture down below.

In fact, the whole setup is kind of like the barns I used to daydream about when I was a little girl – all red siding and tidy aisleways, neatly hanging turnout blankets, and brass nameplates.


All the horses in the box stalls (they do rotational turnout) have happy expressions and move right up to come say hello/beg for scratches.  I find that so telling – it’s unnerving to walk into a barn full of horses with sour expressions.


Every horse on her place has the same expression as this “Contestant #1 colt”… and it’s a good thing it’s a cute view,  because that’s the view you get of all the horses – good luck trying to peel them off of you. Their expressive, happy, sociability is a lot of fun after working Caspian’s stoic dignity for the past few years.  I feel like I’m surrounded by paparazzi, only they’re begging for attention instead of photos.

I may have even taken Caspian for a little walk around the barn simply so I could hear the delicious clop-clop of his hooves on the concrete driveway leading up.  There’s just something about that sound, you know?

The apple trees on the property are producing – any of the apples that fall to the ground are fair game to feed to the horses.


Caspian thought he was in seventh heaven when I led him over to graze on grass AND apples.

In addition to an indoor arena, there’s a sizeable outdoor round pen right outside of his barn.  The footing was great – there were a few stray clumps of grass that had grown up in it since nobody had used it recently, which is just mind-boggling to me after having grown up using barns where there would be a line three horses deep to use a teensy, tiny turnout.  After letting Caspian mosey around his box stall for a little to see if he seemed upset (he didn’t), I took him to the round pen and asked him for a few laps.

I expected him to blow around, high-headed and snorty with the newness…. but he seemed really at ease.



His barn (there’s more than one barn) to the left, giant indoor covered arena to the right.



I couldn’t believe how calm Caspian was – here he was in a completely new barn, and he was acting like he’d been living there for years.

That’s not to say he didn’t cause a bit of a ruckus.  In addition to the “HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT THING?!” snorts from some of the younger horses, one of the younger fillies who was in the middle of a training session was so unimpressed with him that they had to take a break mid-lesson to come introduce her and prove that the Terrifying Grey Thing was actually a horse, so she could focus on her work.

As the two of them sniffed noses I remarked to the owner how at ease he was, and she brought up that she thinks horses can tell when they’ve landed in a nice spot…. and I agree.  It’s like Caspian took one look around and said, “Oh, yeah, this is just great.  This is really great,” and settled right in.

He’s come a long ways from the tooth-grinding, quietly nervous horse he was when I arrived.  Don’t get me wrong – my parents treated him amazing and his nervousness in new places didn’t come from them –  but at new barns he always acted a bit concerned that the rug was going to be pulled out from underneath him at any moment, that he might end up with a not-so-nice home.  The first time I moved him he ground his teeth for weeks, and chewed on the wood in his stall.  When we moved to the last stall he only ground his teeth a couple of times, and nibbled politely.

This is the fourth barn he’s been to since he’s been with me, and I think he’s beginning to let himself believe that just because he changes barns doesn’t mean he’s going to get a new owner with a completely new set of rules.

IMG_3465Update:  He settled in so nicely he’s already been turned out for the night, and I received what may be my new favoritest pictures of him, because she actually managed to capture the size of him.





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Updates, Horses, and Photo Dump

I gave birth three and a half months ago.

It is SO strange to type that out.  I feel like between exhaustion and the simple act of caring for twins  I completely lost a chunk of time.  One moment it was winter, and then I went to the hospital on February 29th, labored for a little bit, pushed for a couple of minutes and out popped twins.










I loaded them up in the car two days later, marvelling during the ride home at the hints of flowers popping out on trees that marked the arrival of spring.  We drove home, unlatched the car seats and walked the new babies inside…


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And now it’s summer.

I feel like a DVD with a scratch. I never felt the time pass, even though I was awake for most of it, what with nursing ’round the clock.  Where did the spring of 2016 go?  I have no idea, but it was 100 degrees this past weekend, so I’m pretty sure summer is here.

There hasn’t been time for much other than living in the moment, especially not much time for writing.  The words are still there, rattling around in my sleep-deprived brain, but I just don’t have the spare hands for the typing.  I’ve been working on a post here and there, as well as a “birth story” post for the past… well, three months. I  intended on having the story  of their arrival typed out within the week so I could remember all the tiny details.

At this point, I’ll be happy to post it by the time the twins hit kindergarten.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

It’s more than okay.  These are my last babies, and while it doesn’t make for good blog posts or even a great social life, I’m simply allowing myself to enjoy them as much as possible, because having been through this twice before, I know exactly how fast the first year flies by.




I am content and happy with my life, my four kids, my family.


In fact, I’m so content and happy it actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable.    There’s a small part of me that wishes I was unhappy with simply hanging out, that wonders if I’m becoming… well, placid.  Isn’t that why they used to recommend breeding fractious fillies?  To calm them down?  Shouldn’t I be uncomfortable and itchy, struggling against the bonds of a minivan (I had to get a Kia Sedona to fit everyone…. and I actually love it.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen) and angry at the fit of my mom jeans?

….and yet I’m not. Oh, sure, if I had the chance to go on a secret mission where I travelled to Europe and saved the world against Nazi Zombies I would totally go….


I’d look just like this, only with slightly fewer tattoos


….But if I did go I’d have to bring along my breast pump and pump every two hours to avoid clogged ducts.  I’d also have to arrange daycare for four (FOUR!?!) kids, which would be so expensive I’d have to save up for it… and even if I could arrange it, who would cover my shifts at the library?

Daydreaming about big adventures has gotten so complicated as of late, which is why I’m sticking to daydreaming about horses.

Speaking of daydreaming about horses….

Now that I’ve sort of caught everyone up on what I’ve been up to since January, you can help me with a very important question:

Which imaginary horse should I imaginarily buy?  I mean, we’re just going to ignore the fact that I barely have time to see Caspian as it is.  I definitely don’t have the money or time for a second horse right now.  We’re also going to ignore the fact that this imaginary horse is being bought in addition to this guy, who I’ve already imaginarily bought from Scandia Morgan Farm:


This is Scandia Anthem, and I’ve been drooling over him since he was born. He’s not even for sale, yet I’ve been imaginarily buying him for years now.

This new imaginarily bought horse is one that I am going to put in my imaginary pasture on the imaginary land I don’t own.  He/She is going to grow up and (aside from learning basic manners and maybe ponying a couple of trails)  will just grow up and be a horse until around four years old… at which point the twins will be old enough for me to start really working him/her.

Now that you know the rules, which one should I nab?

Currently we have three contenders:

Contender #1:









This little red colt was only born this week, so he’s less and impressive and more  adorable with that ribby, just-born look.  Still, everything seems to be put in the perfect place as far as his conformation, and he comes from a long line of GORGEOUS Morgans.


Here is mom:



And here is dad:



Scandias Trademark

And here is Grandpa:



Marvelous Intrigue


I mean…. ’nuff said, am I right?

Contender #2:




Look at her!  She’s 14.2 at two years old, so she’ll be plenty stout enough to carry me and not make me feel too big.  Plus, she’s stunning.


Here is mom:


lady in red

Scandias Lady in Red

And here is dad:



Marvelous Intrigue

As you can tell, I’ve got a thing for Marvelous Intrigue – I think he’s put together gooorgeously and all his colts and fillies grow up with that same gorgeous look.

Anyways, since the filly’s older I won’t have to wait as long to start her.  I’m not a big fan of the yearling stage, so I’d get to bypass that stage as well.


Contestant #3:





BLUE EYES.  I don’t care if you don’t like blue eyes… I’ve got a thing for them.  It’s silly, I know.  But LOOOK.  IT’S A BLUE EYED BUCKSKIN MORGAN COLT.

Here is mom:



And here is dad:


UDM White Water… photo credit to the very talented Heather Moreton:

I guess, in the interest of being a nice person I should mention these horses are actually for sale, and that I suppose you could for-real buy them.  You can find them here:

Scandia Morgan Horse Farm

and here:

Beaches Triple T Ranch

I suppose I would even forgive you if you did buy them out from underneath me, but only if you promised to update me with regular photos.

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Nesting is Stupid

Things newborn twins care about:

  • Milk on demand
  • Dry diapers
  • Feeling secure, either through swaddling or being held
  • Lack of scratchy tags/edges on clothing
  • White noise

Things my hormonal body is telling me newborn twins care about:

  • The way the boxes stack up on the top shelf of our closet.  I can’t get a top on the box of The Bean’s rockets, and they’re just sticking out.  EVERYWHERE.
  • Dirty baseboards.  ERMAGEHRD.  They’re past the point of being able to wash them.  They all need to be painted.  Immediately.
  • The back of my bedroom door.  It’s filthy. I should probably paint that, too.
  • While I’m painting, I should finish painting my bedroom… oooh, I should probably get some chalk paint and repaint the secondhand furniture in my room.


  • The organization of The Bean’s clothes in his closet drawers.  It’s completely illogical.
  • The organization of everyone’s clothing in everyone’s drawers.  Also, the corners of the inside edges of some of the dresser drawers need vacuuming. Obviously, the only recourse is to completely empty everything, clean the drawers, refold everything in a logical order, and then tape labels on the outsides of the drawers.
    • Note: The tiny, logical portion of my brain that’s still functioning realizes how ridiculously pointless and exhausting this would be, so I haven’t actually done it…. well, except for the labeling.  I’m probably gonna give in to the urge to label.
  • The basement – it needs to be completely emptied, completely reorganized, swept and vacuumed.
    • Note:  MY FAMILY IS AMAZING.  They actually did this for me.  I love them so much.
  • The pantry is not organized.  At all.  Neither are my bookshelves.  THE TWINS NEED ORGANIZED BOOKSHELVES.  Maybe I could label them somehow?

It goes on.  And on.  And on.  I know the twins don’t care about this stuff – in fact, it’ll probably do them more harm than good for me to exhaust myself and then sit around sniffing paint fumes, but the urge is still there.  I also from previous experience that a week after the birth I’m not gonna notice the baseboards, ever again…. but man, it’s hard to ignore the urge.

In case you are ever curious what it feels like to be a nesting pregnant woman, it’s JUST like this commercial.



Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get out of the house so the baseboards will quit mumbling at me.

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Patricia Briggs is Ruining My Birth Plan

Look, I try not to point fingers on this blog, but it’s the truth.  Patricia Briggs is totally ruining my birth plan.

Here’s the deal:

My technical due date isn’t until March 26th…..but, as you all know, I’m pregnant with twins.  Doctors around these parts get real hand-flappy if you go past 38 weeks pregnant with twins. (FYI:  Forty weeks is the standard gestation for a baby, and I went to 42 weeks with both boys.  What can I say?  I like to bake ’em a little longer.)

At first I was pretty disgruntled by this fact. Look, I know they’re just doing their best to avoid terrible situations and outcome.  The placenta is an organ, and by the time you hit the end of your pregnancy, it’s at the end of its lifespan.  It’s like a little 80-year-old woman toddling around, with the difference being that instead of getting to take it easy and do crossword puzzles and watch daytime television, it is being forced to work double overtime with no days off, since the fetus is bigger than ever and requiring more nutrients than ever.  Placentas get old – they give out.  They fail.  They quit nourishing.

I get all that.

But I still get annoyed at what I consider unnecessary medical intervention.  The average fraternal twin birth over in the UK is a little over 39 weeks, and their maternal stats are a lot better than ours over here in the US.

Sigh.  I’m getting preachy again, aren’t I?  Let me get back to the point:  I’ve agreed to the no-later-than-38-week induction for one reason and one reason only:  if I go into labor on my own, there’s a chance that I might go into labor late on a Saturday night, or on a super busy Friday morning, or some other really inconvenient time.  The reason it might be inconvenient has to do with the availability of the high-risk perinatologists over at OHSU.

It boils down to this:  pretty much all the high-risk perinatologists are trained and comfortable with breech births, whereas very few of the regular Ob/GYN docs are comfortable with breech births. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s really common for the second baby to come out breech, even if it’s pointing head down at first.  Once the first baby is out, the second baby tends to sprawl out with all the extra space, and you can get some weird birth presentations.


Don’t get me wrong – the regular Ob/GYNs at OHSU  know how to do a breech birth, but they are just much less comfortable with it and much more prone to C-sections if things get “weird” in the delivery room.  Of course, “delivery room” is a subjective term.  When you give birth to twins you actually get to give birth on a surgical table inside an actual surgical room.


The upside to that is if something goes wrong, it’s easy to fix things.  Scary bleeding? Stuck child?  Weirdness you’re not comfortable with?  Bam – you can do an instant C-section, with no extra prep time necessary.

The downside to that is that I have to, you know, give birth on a teeny-weenie, narrow and sterile surgical table with about 400 doctors and nurses staring at my crotch.  I wonder if I should charge admission to any extra bystanders?  “See Becky Bean’s magically fertile crotch spew forth two humans at once! Only $5 a ticket!   Popcorn available around the corner.”

It’s not exactly the feel-good, hippy waterbirth I was imagining when I first got pregnant, but at least I’d make some extra money on the side?

Wait, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  So anyways, if I give birth at an “inconvenient” time, my chances of having a C-section go way, way up, and that’s something I want to avoid as much as possible.

Look, this isn’t a “NATURAL BIRTH IS THE ONLY BIRTH” blog – I’m grateful for the C-section I had with DragonMonkey, because without it we would have had some serious issues.  However, there’s no denying that it’s a major surgery.  I was up and running (or, at the very least, walking comfortably and running errands) 48 hours after giving birth to the Squidgelet.  It took me weeks to get to that point after my C-section.  I would much rather deal round-the-clock nursing of twins and caring for a newborn without having to heal from major surgery, thank you very much.

Besides, I like my perinatologist.  She’s smart, capable, and has slender, tiny arms with slender, tiny hands.  I learned from past experience that when it comes to hands on a doctor, errr, size matters.  It really does. I’d really love to have it be her tiny, delicate little arms rooting around inside me in the event of a breech birth.

So, I’ve agreed to being induced (unless I go into labor on my own, earlier) on March 9th.

There’s just one problem with that:

Patricia Briggs’ new Mercy Thompson book comes out on March 8th.  Have you guys read the Mercy Thompson series?  If you’re at all into urban fantasy, I highly recommend it.  The heroine is kick-butt and intelligent, but not annoyingly so.  It’s one of my favorite series of all times, right alongside Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files.

Anyways, you can see where my problem is.  I’ve been waiting for the book for a year, and it comes out on the 8th.  My perinatologist wants to induce me on the 9th.

This doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room for me to stay up until 4am binge-reading, you know?



First World Problems are the hardest kinds of problems.

At my next appointment I am going to have to tell my doctor that we need to reschedule the date to the 10th.  I have about three weeks to come up with a decent reason why I’m requesting this change.  I’m sure she’s going to ask me, even if only to make conversation, and “Hey, I know I said the 9th works and you’ve already penciled me in, but I’m planning on staying up all night binge reading a new book on the 8th, so let’s just reschedule everything”  is the truth, but it’s kind of embarrassing to say out loud.

I’ve been trying to come up with reasonable lies.  So far I’ve come up with:


  • The Feng Shui of the date is off.
  • I’m allergic to single-digit birthdates.
  • My other two kids were born on Thursdays, so I wanna keep the pattern going.
  • March 9th is also written as 3-9, and 9 is the square of three, and I don’t want my kids to be squares.
  • I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

I mean, theoretically I guess I could be an adult and read the book at a nice, sedate pace and put it down at a decent hour to get a good night’s sleep…. but we all know that’s not gonna happen.




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28 Weeks Pregnant – What I’ve Been Up To

What a quiet, abandoned little blog.

Except it’s not abandoned – I swear!  And believe it or not, I’ve been writing in it semi-regularly… it’s just that I haven’t been publishing any of the words I’ve been writing. There’s a reason for that:

Dude, lately all I have left in me is whining.

On the one hand, I’m missing out on documenting what it’s like being pregnant with twins. On the other hand, maybe that’s not necessarily such a bad thing.




See, it takes a certain amount of energy to be able to present bad things in a funny light, and I gotta say:  energy is not something I have in abundance these days.   Aarene from over at Haiku Farm wrote a piece about her many-spooned days (if you have no idea what I’m talking about when I reference spoons, there’s a place to click inside her post).  I was reading it the other day and I realized how very, very few spoons I have nowadays.  If I’m going by Aarene’s description, I’m getting by on about 15 spoons a day.

Basically, I’ve become a giant lump on my couch… and that’s okay.  That’s what my body is telling me it needs, in order to grow two people at once to (hopefully) full term.  Over the years of living with Rheumatoid Arthritis I’ve learned to respect my body when it tells me to SLOW DOWN, so I’m doing it…

But it’s kind of depressing to do nothing but go to work, cook dinner for the boys, and sit on my couch.  Writing is one thing I can do while I permanently indent the couch cushion with the imprint of my behind, so I do write occasionally… but when I go back and read what I write, it seems like all I do is complain.

And when the twins stumble upon this blog many, many years from now, I kind of don’t want them to read post after post of me complaining about them.




I mean, when they go see their therapists over how I’ve ruined their lives, I’d like it to be for something good, you know?

Anyways, now you know why I’ve been quiet.  There are quite a few blog posts in my drafts folder that I might clean up and post at some point, and quite a few more that I’ll probably just toss, but that all seems like a lot of work right now, especially since up until recently I’ve been sick.  Right after Christmas we all seemed to catch that lovely cold/flu combo that’s been going around.  Mine ran its normal course and seemed to be getting better…. but right when I was about to deem myself healthy, the virus (or whatever) returned with a vengeance and decided to take up residence in my lungs.

Let me tell you, you don’t know fun until you’ve been hacking your lungs out while pregnant with twins.  The other day (yesterday?  The day before?  I dunno, it’s all started running together) I started a coughing fit. Again.  And even though I had JUST finished going to the bathroom, and even though I was crossing my legs while coughing (trust me, it helps), I coughed so hard I peed my pants.  Again.  Even though I was wearing super-duper triple duty giant kotex to try to prevent that.


Luckily I was at home so I just sighed, stripped down, and hopped in the shower. Besides, the steam would probably help the cough, so I could kill two birds with one stone.

Unfortunately, even though I was maxed out on Robitussins and Vicks Vapor Rub (yes, I put it on the soles of my feet, too), I just couldn’t seem to quit coughing.  The good news is that the shower steam helped my cough be productive.

The bad news is that my super annoying body felt the phlegm coming up and thought, “Oh!  Oh!  I know what to do when stuff comes up your throat!” and I started puking.

Puking in the shower seems like it would be a good thing, but it’s not. Without the toilet water to prevent splash back your tub ends up looking like a deranged Jackson Pollock painting, and it takes forever to go down the drain, and it’s just gross, okay?

The icing on the cake was that between coughing fits and vomiting my nose was like, “Yeah, you’ve abused me too much for one day” and started to bleed. In case you’er curious, trying to stop a nosebleed in the shower is an exercise in futility – the warmth keeps it from clotting.

So there I was, standing in my own vomit and phlegm and pee and blood, and I thought.. “Man, not again.  What is this… the second time this week? Third?”

And at that point I did start to laugh a little bit, which I’m sure would have looked psychotic to anyone who might have wandered in at that exact point, but it just kind of struck me as funny that I wasn’t phased by it, and that my first thought was “not again”.  I mean, what if this was my super power? Some people get super strength or super invulnerability.  I just got super….fluids?

I don’t think they’ll be making a Saturday morning cartoon of me any time soon.

“No…. no… don’t put up the signal!!!…. Crap. Too late. Heeeeeeey, there, Super BioFluid Girl. We’re, uh… We’re good. We’ve got everything under control. You can go home, it’s okay.”


I think the cough has mostly run its course and now my body is just coughing for the sake of coughing.  It’s pretty normal during the day, but then nighttime hits and I cough.  And cough.  And cough.  AND COUGH AND COUGH AND COUGH AND COUGH.  After several days of only getting 2-3 hours of sleep, and not in a row, I broke down and begged my doctor for some meds.  For the record, I gotta tell you: Tessalon Perles are the BOMB. They’re these little tiny pills which make all the coughing go away.  I’m telling you, they’re amazing.  They make me believe in magic again.

I took some last night and crashed about 8pm.  I woke up to go pee and/or change positions in bed every two hours on the dot until just shy of 4 am… which would normally sound like a bad night’s sleep, but when 4 am rolled around I realized I felt so rested I might as well just get up for the day.  It felt amazing to get that much sleep. I know it’ll be different with twins, but I just can’t wait to actually give birth.  I’ve always found that I sleep better with a newborn than I do during those last few weeks of pregnancy.  At least if I’m awake I’m awake with a purpose, you know?

So now you know what I’ve been up to: gestating and sitting on my couch.  I haven’t seen Caspian for…. for weeks, honestly.  I’ve learned I have to go early in the day, instead of late at night. I prefer to go to the barn around 7 or 8, because then all the other boarders are gone and it can just be me and my horse… but lately, by the time 7 or 8 rolls around I’m too tired to do anything except be overwhelmed with how much I want to go to bed. I made plans to go spend an entire evening with him awhile back, but we had freak flooding that day.

The next time I decided I was going to go, regardless of how tired I felt, we had a freak wind storm.

I told The Bean I was going to go on Christmas Eve, come hell or high water….. and it snowed.  Hell or high water I could handle – icy roads and snow seemed like too much to take on without snow tires or chains.

Then I got sick, and I can’t in good conscious go and infect everyone at the barn. The barn owner’s husband is over 70 years old and susceptible to lung sicknesses, so I need to stay home until I can keep the hacking and coughing to a minimum.

The good news is that I know he’s okay – there’s a reason I’m paying more for a barn that’s further away, and that’s because I trust them to take better care of him than I can.

The bad news is… Caspian?  He’s a horse, right? I think he’s…. he’s grey-colored, right? Cross your fingers I get to see him on Saturday – that’s my goal.  I think we’re (knock on wood) running out of natural disasters to prevent me from seeing him.


28 weeks pregnant with boy/girl twins: I’ve been taking weekly pictures so I couldn’t NOT take a pic this week, but man, I just had no smile left in me that day.

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On Writer’s Block and Whining

At this point I don’t even know how many thousands of words I’ve typed into unpublished blogposts that will never seen the light of day.

To save on your eye strain and my boredom at hearing myself whine for paragraphs upon paragraphs, here is the one sentence summary of all the posts you guys will never read:

I’m having twins, and while I’m not excited yet, I’m finally feeling less dread about the prospect.

Yup.  That’s me – I’m making my bid early for next year’s Mom of the Year award.


Isn’t that a heck of a thing to admit out loud?  The words “dread” and “kids I’m gonna give birth to” probably shouldn’t ever go together.  I feel a little guilty even writing them. These are people inside me.  People, who for the first few years of their life will think I hang the sun/moon/stars…. and I’m admitting that I’m dreading their arrival. What a terrible emotion for anyone to have, much less their mother.

And for the record, when my twins stumble upon some ancient cached copy of my blog a couple of decades from now and try to use this against me in court to force me to pay their therapy bills… Sorry, guys.  I really don’t mean it personally.  It’s just…. at this point you’re not really individuals to me – you’re just the tiny little invisible people inside me who seem to relish making me sick.

I’ve spent the last six weeks or so alternating between freaking out and feeling guilty about freaking out. Seriously, if “oh, no, I’m bringing two babies into a happy family instead of just one baby” is the worst of my life’s concerns, then I’d say my life is pretty good.  I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right to freak out.

It’s just… two of them.  TWO.  At once. For, like, ever.

It surprised me when The Bean was the first one to climb aboard the “Woo-Hoo! Twins!” Train. It didn’t take him hardly any time at all.  By the time the evening of our first ultrasound rolled around, he was already chugging along and picking up steam and grinning over, “two babies!”

It’s just…. ugh.  Pregnancy has never been my favorite state, and twin pregnancy is just so, so much worse.  It feels a lot like my body has been hijacked, and I’m just being dragged along for the ride.  Plus, it’s honestly a little bit lonely.  I’m too sick to go out there and arrange playdates, so most of the time it’s just me, the dogs, the kids, the living room, and occasional trips to throw up all over the toilet.

I had all of these plans of enjoying my third and final pregnancy, being comfortable with the familiar….  and, well, those plans obviously fell by the wayside.

In case you’re curious, I’m here to tell you that, so far, a singleton pregnancy vs a twin pregnancy feels a lot like the difference between a deer in a petting zoo and a petting an Alaskan moose with rabies.  Also, the moose thinks you’re out to get her baby.  And you’re trapped in an elevator with her.  And oh, look – she just snorted a bad batch of cocaine.


I did what I always do when feeling lost… and I tried to make sense of it via the internet.  I’ve spent hours trying to find online blogs about moms experiencing twin pregnancy, but I’ve discovered that twin moms who blog come in three flavors:

  1. The “Fit Pregnancy” Mom:  I admire fit pregnancy mom…. but it’s disheartening to see women in bikinis two weeks after giving birth… or, heck, two weeks before giving birth.  I’m not bitter/jealous of them – I’ve skimmed their blogs, and they’re out there doing hours of pilates while 8 months along.  Dude.  They’ve earned their flat belly.  They’ve really, really, REALLY earned it.  It’s just…. I don’t feel much kinship.
  2. The “I’m Doubly Blessed!” Mom:  I think these make for beautiful blogs, and I’m not trying to disparage them, because I think it’s a great perspective to have…. it’s just that reading them makes me feel guilty. I want to be immediately happy with the news of having twins.  I think that’s a great response.  I know I should feel like that… but if I felt like that already, I wouldn’t be out there Googling inspiration.
  3. The “Dead Twins” Mom:  HOLY CRAP, there’s a lot of those out there.  I feel like their blogs should come with some kind of a trigger warning:  “Don’t get attached to this mom’s pregnancy. Trust us.  It ends horribly.”  I try to avoid those for obvious reasons.


Anyways, that’s where I’m at.  I’m starting to come around now that I don’t feel so terribly awful all the time – vomiting is now down to only once or twice a week, which feels AMAZING!  I’m 18 weeks along which is kind of considered the halfway point for twins – if I haven’t given birth by 38 weeks along (March 11th, I think?) then they’ll schedule an induction.

I’m not very big on inductions and interventions, but my new perinatologist doctor was very firm but polite on that aspect:  If I disagreed with the “not past 38 weeks” aspect, she would be happy to recommend some other doctors to me who would be willing to see me.

The stubborn part of me considered it, but not only does she seem very competent/intelligent, she is a big fan of “no C-sections unless absolutely necessary, even for twin moms” (HOORAY!)… AND she has tiny, slender little arms.

The last part is important, because here’s what happens a lot of the time when you give birth vaginally to twins.  After the first twin comes out the second twin is usually (more often than not) not in a good position for giving birth.  Either they were breech (feet first) to begin with, or transverse (laying all sideways across the top), or they rotate into a weird position once they find themselves with all sorts of legroom after their sibling comes out.

Luckily for me, my doctor is very skilled at breech extraction.

Isn’t that a nice, scientific term?  “Breech extraction” It sounds so much better than “I’m very well trained at putting on the LONG rubber glove and plunging shoulder deep into your nether regions in order to haul out your stubborn, sideways unborn child.”


Like this, only sexier. Because nothing says sexy like an entire arm up your crotch.  

At my first appointment with my new doctor she was trying to gain momentum in order to talk me into an epidural (I really didn’t want one with Squid, but finally gave in after the first 31 hours)… and I had to cut her off.  “Look, lady, I’ve watched the Youtube videos.  I’ve seen how far you’re going to go spelunking.  I do NOT want to feel that without epidural.”

Anyways, that’s the glamorous reality of my new life:  I watch Youtube videos of doctors shoving arms up women in order to haul out slippery, screamy children, I get nauseous every night, I collapse in bed by 9pm every night in a sleep so deep it might as well be a coma, and I lay in bed awake from 3am to 5am every night (morning?) for no particular reason.

I also spend a lot of time trying to put off making difficult, soul-wrenching, adult decisions:  Do I try to find someone to lease Caspian for me, or do I simply put him up for sale?

The lease makes the most sense to my heart, although writing the Craigslist ad is still surprisingly difficult.  It’s necessary though.  I’ll be going down to only 10 hours a week at my library job, which means a 50% reduction in pay at a time when we’ll have more expenses than ever.

Selling Caspian makes the most sense, but tears at my heart in a way I try not to think too much about.

It helps if I think of numbers:  I won’t be able to go to the barn without hiring a babysitter (an impossible extra cost) or depending on my mom – The Bean’s only home by 7pm three or four months out of the year – the rest of the time he’s home around 9pm – way too late for me to go riding.

Board (plus farrier, plus feed) averages out to $350 a month.

And then there’s the numbers of actual horse time: the chances of me getting any significant, regular horse time with a set of twins (not even factoring in the fact I’ll have four children.  FOUR?! ) before 2017… or heck, 2018?  It’s not that great.

If I’m considering numbers it helps for me to pick a date at random:  let’s say 18 months after giving birth.  By a year and a half the twins will be toddlers – hyperactive but more manageable in terms of having a schedule and sleeping through the night and not relying on me making milk for them 24/7.

That’s 22 months from now, give or take.

If Caspian sold today, in 22 months I could be saving $7700 in horse board… at a time when we’re really, really going to be needing the money. That’s money which could be applied towards our new vehicle (we have to get rid of my Scion XB – it doesn’t fit four car seats), towards diapers (I’m going to try to do some cloth diapering, since twins use about 500 diapers a month, but still, it’s gonna cost!) or most importantly, it’s $7700 which could be spent on catching up on some of our debts.

Then again, if we’re thinking about numbers….

It would be 2017 or even 2018 before I seriously considered buying another horse.

2018 before I could own a horse again.

That’s such a terrifying thought to me that I do my best to just put it out of my mind, a la Scarlett O’Hara.


If I leased him, even a half lease, I could apply the money made from my library job (the money left over after babysitting expenses) towards half his board.  But what if the lease went sour?  What if they injure him by hot rodding him around the arena?  What then?

Wait.  Hold on.  Waaaaaaaait.  Seeee???  Do you see why I haven’t been blogging?  I have no interest in becoming Twin Mom Variation #4:  Mom Who Only Sees The Dark Side Of Twins And Complains A Lot.

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to lately.  I’ve been going through the house and making Goodwill trips like crazy as I try to make room for the impending influx of baby accessories.  I’ve been eating… and then puking, and then eating again.

On a shallow side note – all of the twin books like to emphasize how hard it is to gain weight while pregnant with twins, and I am here to tell you… they’re absolutely right.  Between the puking and my food aversions and the simple fact that there’s two tiny little people inside me sucking out all my nutrients, I’ve only put on 9 pounds… and that’s WITH me deliberately eating high-fat items like fettucine alfredo with butter steak on top.  I think I gained 9 pounds in the first week with my previous two pregnancies, so it’s kind of a nice side benefit.


I’ve also been getting regular ultrasounds – my next one is on November 6th.  So Twin B’s gender is still up in the air, but it’s been confirmed that Twin A is definitely a boy.


Unknown gender Twin BB using his/her brother like the world’s most comfortable beanbag.


So, now I’ve got this whiny post out-of-the-way, and you’re all up to date.  I can go through my drafts folder and delete the rest of my “what am I going to doooooo” type posts and move on with writing about things that make me happy.

What have you all been up to?


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How NOT to Have A Third Kid

My saddle finally arrived a couple of weeks ago. (Edit:  It arrived back in July – this post has been a long time in writing, for reasons you’ll see in a bit.)

I’ll go into all of its details and story behind ordering it later, but for now the short and sweet of it: it’s a 17 inch Eurolight and it fits my butt like a glove…. Which is a terrible simile now that I think about it, because a glove wouldn’t fit a posterior very well, but you know what I mean.



It arrived in the mail and I took it down to the barn the next day, only to discover that the cinch (girth? I can never keep that term straight) didn’t fit.

I really had nobody to blame but me – I could have measured at any point in the 1+ year I ended up waiting on the saddle…. but then again, that would have been the behavior of a responsible adult, and if I were a responsible adult this blog probably wouldn’t even exist.

I indulged in a pity party on Facebook (I wanna ride my saddle but the cinch/girth won’t fiiiiiit) only to have it cut short by amazing people offering to help me out.  I’m firmly convinced that endurance riders are some of the nicest horse people around.  “My horse is in the hospital and I’ll be making a five-hour trip home tomorrow, but I’ll stop in a parking lot on the way home just to meet up with you so I can give you this obscenely expensive girth for free.”

That kind of charity is mind-boggling to me and something I aspire to.

So, naturally, being me… I was a big fat jerk and was 15 minutes late to the meet up. SIGH.

In my defense I did leave in time. I just didn’t account for the extra time it would take me as I stopped four and five times along the way to retch and gag and vomit on the side of the road.




I think I’ve ended up becoming Facebook friends with most of you guys, but in case I’m not, yeah.  I’m pregnant again. Yes, it was on purpose.  Yes, we’re happy.  No, it wasn’t an accident.  Yes, I know what causes it.

So, now you know where I disappeared to.  I meant to type something up before I fell off the deep end of morning sickness…. but holy crap! One day I was doing okay, and the next day I was absolutely disabled with nausea.  I’m not exaggerating:  I was borderline disabled – any time I moved too fast I gagged.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to take care of a house and chase after kids without moving?

For those of you who have followed this blog, you know that me and puking during pregnancy is no new thing…. but this was ridiculous.  In case you’re curious, at some point during the horribleness I made a mental list of terrible things I’ve put up with, with “1” being the worst, and “5” being “still really crappy, but survivable:


  1. P.U.P.P.P :  had this with DragonMonkey, and there’s no way to describe how bad it was.  You can block out pain and push it to the back of your mind – you can’t block out itching.  And this wasn’t really itching – it was “itchy” in the same way you can compare a skinned knee and the late stages of labor are both “pain”.
  2. Morning Sickness: ‘Nuff said.
  3. Rheumatoid Arthritis:  I think the worst part of this is you never know how long each flare up is going to take.  The overall pain is less, but it just NEVER ENDS.
  4. Migraines: I’ve only had two, but they were so bad that sound started having a color (and not a pretty one.)
  5. Appendicitis: Self-explanatory – it was bad but not TERRIBLE until till it started leaking inside me.

You get the point.  My morning sickness was really, really bad this go-round.  Somewhere around 7 weeks pregnant I gave up toughing it out and tried to call the doctor to get some medicines.   I say “tried” because it took me almost an hour to make the call, because I literally could not stop retching long enough to place the phone call.  Even after I finally made the appointment I couldn’t quit.  I vomited on the way to the doctors, which was less than half a mile from my house.  I checked in to the doctors and then waited outside for them to call me back, where I could gag and puke without witnesses.
My doctor, who is normally “let’s try to take it naturally” took one look at me (when I came back from puking yet again during the middle of the exam) and prescribed me Zofran.

Sweet, sweet, beautiful Zofran!

The downside to Zofran is that, unbeknownst to me, my insurance will only cover so many pills in a single month.  Still, with the magical help of better living through chemicals I was able to keep the vomiting down to a reasonable 2-3 times a day, instead of 20 plus times a day.  The nausea was still there, but the vomiting was a reasonable amount.

Still – I remember laying there on my couch a couple of weeks ago (I think I was 8 weeks along?), thinking that I would never, ever, ever, EVER wish anything bad to happen to my baby…. but if I miscarried, I would be okay with it, because I could finally get a break from the unrelenting nausea.

Of course, the next day the nausea eased somewhat and I was horrified, convinced I’d magically willed my baby into dying.  I was a terrible, horrible, worthless kind of a person who didn’t even deserve to live and HRAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH…. the vomiting returned and for once I was actually relieved to be miserably sick.

So, now you know what I’ve been doing since late July, when the morning sickness kicked in:  I’ve been laying on my couch, occasionally stumbling to the bathroom to vomit, occasionally vomiting into towels, into trash cans, in my car, on the side of the road, in grocery store bathroom stalls, into my hands….vomiting so hard I routinely peed my pants like a two-year old resisting toilet training… and then vomiting some more.

It started to feel like I was living in super gross version of a Dr. Seuss book.  Would you, could you, in the rain?  HRAAAAUUUGGH.  In a house?  HRAAUUUUGGGH.  With a mouse?  HRAUUUUUUUGH.

Oh, I’ve also been going through 2-3 spit towels a day.  In case you’re curious what a spit-towel is, it’s exactly what it sounds like: a towel I spit into.  For some stupid reason my body decided it would be really fun to make 4x the amount of spit it needed.  It was even grosser than it sounded – my mouth was literally filling up with spit (to the point my cheeks would start ballooning if I held it in) every single minute of every single hour of the day.  I could only swallow so much spit, so I had to start carrying around a spit towel – in public I downgraded it to spit napkins.

Pregnancy and me:  it’s seriously the sexiest thing ever.

Right around the time my Zofran ran out and I discovered my insurance was unwilling to refill it, we were all hit with the stomach flu.

In case you were curious, the difference between the stomach flu and morning sickness is that with the stomach flu you have to worry about it coming out both ends, so to speak.

Sexy.  SOOOOOO, SOOOOOO very sexy.

I survived, but barely.

Three days after the stomach flu hit our house… was like a switch flipped inside me and I began to feel better.  I was still nauseous, but it was just normal waves of sickness, and there were 1/2 hour to hour-long stretches where I actually felt almost normal.

I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it felt like heaven to me.  Ever day since then has been a little bit better – right now I’m only getting sick at night, and I feel almost completely normal during the day.  I’m almost 13 weeks along and I feel good!  Hooray!

Which is why today came as such a complete surprise.

After going way past my due date with both Squid and DragonMonkey my OB decided it would be in our best interest to get a dating scan – an ultrasound where we made sure the baby’s due date was correct.  I didn’t mind at all.  Who doesn’t like to take a peek at the kid in their belly?  Besides, without it I would be stuck waiting to see the baby until we got our big scan done at around 20 weeks along.

I convinced The Bean to come along – if it sounds like he’s not particularly enthused about ultrasounds, it’s because he’s not.  Oh, he’s joined me for every “big scan”, but for some reason he can’t make heads or tails of ultrasound images.  I could probably show him a printed-off picture of a staticky tv screen and tell him it was a profile pic of the baby, and he’d likely smile and nod and tell me it looks great.  I have no idea why it’s so hard for him to see things in an ultrasound, but it is.

In an effort to help him figure the pictures out I convinced him to check out the early scan – with the baby not-so-squished inside me, it’s easier to see body parts, and legs, and arms as the kid wiggles and swims about.

We had to drive to Portland’s OHSU clinic and use their fancy ultrasound machine, as the one in little town isn’t that sensitive, but since The Bean works in downtown Portland, that worked out for the best.  We checked in and were shown back to a little room, where I lay down on a table and the ultrasound tech squirted the goo on my belly.  She  put the wand down and…..

And all of a sudden the room got really, really quiet.

I could see the baby very clearly.  I could also see…..

I glanced at the ultrasound technician, who was sitting very, very still in her chair.

The Bean leaned forward.  “Is that….”

“Yup,” the ultrasound technician replied.

I looked back at the screen, and swallowed heavily before asking, “Are there….”

“Yup,” she replied again.

The room got quiet for a moment – and for a second, I was just overwhelmed with this vague, almost queasy surreal sensation.  It was like… like if I didn’t say the words, it wouldn’t actually be real.  But it was real, wasn’t it? I could see it clearly on the monitor in front of me.

I bit the bullet and said the actual word, just to be certain.  “Twins.  You’re saying there’s two of them.  I’m having twins.”

“Yup!  Twins!”

Upon hearing that proclamation I clapped my hands twice, demurely, and said, “Quite nice, quite nice,” and the ultrasound then proceeded in a normal, classy fashion.

I absolutely did not alternate between tears and hysterical laughter and saying inappropriate things that rhymed with “Holy THIT. THIT, two of them.  Twins.  THIT. Twins.”

The Bean didn’t begin sweating, and his hands didn’t go cold.

I didn’t burst into tears later on in the day when someone asked me if I was expecting.

I also didn’t spend the rest of the day in a daze, occasionally saying “holy crap” out loud from time to time.

And if you believe that, I’ve got some Arizona seafront property to sell you.

I mean, don’t get me wrong – twins are a great thing.  They’re fun.  They’re cute.  It’s just… twins fall into that category of “weird stuff that exists but happens to someone else.”

I guess I just forgot that for all of you, I am someone else.


Twin darker color

I think I labeled them wrong – the pink one is supposed to be Twin B (the one higher up in the uterus), and the blue one is supposed Twin A (the one closer to the exit), and holy crap there are two of them, how am I going to keep them straight?  Also, pink really is for girl, and blue really is for boy…. although since I’m still so early that’s only about 85% accurate.


Twins, guys.

I’m having TWINS.



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On Fries and Life

I see him there, standing on the corner, with his brown skin gone leathery from too many years in the sun, indistinct brown features, muddy brown eyes peering forth from the cracks and crevices of a face gone hard from life and weather.

He stands there, rocking slightly, cardboard sign that’s nearly as limp and worn as he is, and suddenly I’m not in the air-conditioned driver’s seat of my new car, surrounded by the greasy-sweet aroma of fast food while I wait at a red light.

Suddenly I’m eight, and I’m staring down at the grizzled, unmoving form sprawled on the front lawn of our complex.



“Is he… okay?”  I want to ask if he’s dead, but I’m scared to say the word.  I’ve never seen dead, except on tv.  I think that’s what dead looks like, but I’m not sure.

“Drunk.  And selfish.  He’s just passed out from drinking other people’s money,” my dad says, and then we’re walking past, and I’m left craning my neck over my shoulder to stare at the retreating, prone figure.

I eye the legs spread akimbo on the lush green of our condo’s lawn, the frazzled beard which hides his face, and I feel my stomach go clammy.   What if he is dead?  I can’t see him breathing.  What if he is dead, right there, on my front lawn?

I swallow and step closer to my dad as my hand steals up of its own accord, finding comfort in the grip his large, calloused palm.



I come back to myself, and eye the never-ending red light.  It’s a hot day – too hot – which is why I bought a soda.  Normally I’m a water drinker, but hot days and Dr. Pepper go hand-in-hand, and I close my eyes in bliss as I take a sip.  Why are fountain drinks so much better than the bottled ones you get at the gas station?  Who knows?  It tastes delicious, though, and my hand sneaks into the bag of its own accord, finding comfort in the feeling of being nearly-burned by the too-hot curly fries.  I wanted to wait until I was on the freeway to eat, but it was Jack in the Box. I hadn’t eaten curly fries in almost two years.  I mean, if you’re gonna be stupid and break the “no gluten” rule you’ve set for yourself, you might as well do it in a blaze of glory, right?

Out of the corner of my eye I see a flicker of movement, and I barely catch myself before I glance sideways.  He is there, still standing.  It’s not that I am trying to forget he exists, it’s just…. I never know where to put my eyes when I’m beside someone who is begging on the street.

Boy, if that’s not the definition of stupid, self-centered “First World Problems”, I don’t know what is.

I’m curious about him, and I want to look – to take a peek into the life I might have lived, had circumstances or any number of things been different – but I don’t want to look in his eyes, to feel that sizzle of connection as our gazes meet.  I’m scared what I might find.

Besides, what if he feels hope?  What if he thinks I’m looking at him because I’m going to give him money?  Do I shake my head “no”?  That seems…. that seems worse, somehow, than not even looking.  I see my purse beside me, flipped open to reveal the last crumpled dollar bill from this week’s paycheck.  I resist the urge to dart my gaze sideways again as I flip the purse closed, hiding it.

And then, even though nobody is watching me, or maybe it’s because, I drop my eyes to stare at my lap in guilt.




I hated beans.  Hated them.  Daddy loved them, and he felt like they were a treat, but they weren’t.  They were boring, and gross, and even Ketchup couldn’t save them.  We were going to go to the store when he got back from work, but Brandie and I had eaten the last of the cereal in the morning, and the only thing to eat other than beans was a jar of sweet pickles I’d found behind the mustard – well, that and an abandoned can of tuna that was probably older than me.  I knew for a fact there wasn’t anything else, because I hadn’t even known about the tuna until I’d dragged a chair over to stand on so I could search the far corners of the empty shelves.

We weren’t poor – I knew we weren’t.  Daddy just lived on a budget and was very strict about saving his money….. but it was hard not to feel poor when all you had to eat was beans. 

“I’m hungry,” I whined. Again.  It was hot – but then again, it was always hot in August. Garden Grove was too far from the beach for any breeze, and so landlocked it felt like you were trapped.  The sidewalks caught the clean sun, trapped it, and tossed it back at you full of the stink of sweat and too-many-humans.  “I’m huuuuungry.”  I fully expected to be mocked, or told to be quiet.  I mean, there were beans.  And Ketchup.  And a can of tuna. When no “hush” was forthcoming I looked up, confused, and instead of irritation I found sympathy in my older sister’s large brown eyes.

“Me too.  Let’s see if we can find enough change to go to McDonald’s.”

My heart leapt within me.  At 11 Brandie was the de facto parent while my dad was at work, so if she said we could, then we could. We scrounged throughout the entire house – under couch cushions, behind the bookcase that we’d wedged beneath the staircase, behind the toilet, under the sink…

You will never know the meaning of dedication until you have a chance to exchange beans for a McDonald’s hamburger.  Just sayin’.

Somehow, we found enough, and the walk next door felt like a victory parade.  I tripped along after my sister, balancing on the short brick wall that bordered the sidewalk, jumping down to run down the small grassy hill.  I’m not sure what my dad was thinking.  Who? Who purchases a condo built right next door to a McDonald’s and then tries to feed kids healthy food with the scent of hamburgers drifting in all day long? I felt like the Fruit Loops Toucan, floating along in ecstasy on beckoning airstreams of greasy fries. I could have found the door with my eyes closed.

The blast of air conditioning brought blissful goosebumps to my hot, sticky skin.  We waited in line, fidgeting, scuffing our shoes on the cool linoleum.  I was so overwhelmed by the scent, the anticipation, the sweet feeling of not being horribly hot that it took me a moment to realize it.  We were standing next to one of them.  Right next to one of them. I edged closer to Brandie.  There were a lot of homeless in the area, and they all made me uncomfortable, with their scary beards and distant eyes and tendency to pass out on our condo’s front entrance way.

Brandie didn’t seem to notice him. Then again, she didn’t snap at me to quit touching her when I crowded her, so maybe she did.

“Big Mac – wait.  Two big Macs, large coke, large fries, and three of those apple pie things.”  He reached into a pocket and dropped a messy handful of change onto the counter to count out to pay.  It slammed onto the counter with a resounding crash, crumbled dollar bills and quarters mingling together in a wrinkled mountain of wealth.  How much was it?  Five dollars?  Twenty dollars?  One hundred dollars? I stared, sullen, as one of the quarters rolled to a stop, bouncing off the edge of my shoe.  I edged it away from me with a toe, following Brandie to the next register when it opened.

“One cheeseburger, and one small fries,” she said in her pretend-adult voice, carefully placing the small handful of pennies and nickles into the outstretched hands.

I watched the man receive his food and leave, and as soon as the door closed behind him I dashed over and picked up the abandoned quarter.  I considered pocketing it, but brought it to Brandie instead.

She brightened, adding it to the pile of leftover change, and pushing it across the counter.  “I would like to change my order please.  One medium fry, instead of one small fry.”


I pop the curly fry into my mouth and chew. Thoughtfully.  He’s looking the other way, having given up on this particular group of red lighters.  There’s a jacket tied around his waist – an impossible blue against the uniformity of his earth tones he’s wearing.  I wonder – do the clothes turn a uniform color from not being washed, or is it something he does on purpose?  Is it chance or an actual uniform – maybe a deliberate camouflage? I’ve always wanted to know, but there doesn’t seem to be a polite way to ask.  Besides, I’m not sure it’s any of my business.

I look at him, at his small backpack and the way his fingers are tight against the limp sign. I bet he makes his clothes less bright on purpose, so he doesn’t stand out at night.  I doubt he wants anyone knowing where he sleeps.  Sleeping is so…so vulnerable.  It lays everyone low, makes us all defenseless to predators, whether they’re the four-legged or the two-legged kind.





It went on.  And on.  He’d been at it for some time.  Most of “the bums” in the area were regular as clockwork – Red Shirt Guy took the east corner, right off of Westminster Avenue.  Crazy Eyes guy would take the opposite corner, on Brookhurst Street, but usually only in the evening.

I swear they had regular shifts. They’d show up, yawning, at the same time, nearly every day.  Morning was for standing on the corner, with the cardboard signs.  Over the years I’d watched them make the signs – grabbing cardboard from the dumpster behind McDonald’s, bending it with strong hands, scuffing it along the curb to make it more worn before writing their message on it.  Homeless Vet.  Please Help.  Hungry.

The liquor store on the east corner would make their change for them, converting the crumpled bills and pocket change into larger bills.  Fives and tens, and sometimes even twenties.  Bad days would be only one trip.  On a good day they’d make 3-4 trips in a day.

And in case you were curious – No. No, there wasn’t anything good on summer daytime television in the late 80/early 90s.

As far as I could tell, they mostly drank it.  There wasn’t a lot of turnover in the population, and they seemed to sleep in the same place every night, with their brown-bagged bottles.  If they were choosing to buy or do anything harder with it, it rarely showed.

Until tonight.

“That’s it,” my dad said, punching the power button the tv with a sudden ferocity of movement.  In two strides he was at the door, throwing it open so hard it slammed into the back of the kitchen table.  Three more steps and he was through the yard, past the ridiculously short gate and on his way to the fence line, three doors down.  

The homeless man on the other side of the fence was mid-tirade, howling out a slippery stream of rage as he’d been for nearly an hour.  He seemed to go in fits and starts – quieting down just long enough to give us hope before launching into another skittering, frenetic river of cussing and anger and incoherent threats, slamming intermittently on the wooden fence that separated the condo from the alley.

The neighbors perked up as my dad strode past – eyeing the angry set of his shoulders, the crisp strides of a man on a mission from behind their drapes. 


WHAM!  WHAMWHAMWHAM!  My dad slammed his palm against the fence in quick succession.  “SHUT UP.  There’s families here. Get the hell out of here.  Go somewhere else.”  

“WHO THE F***” began Mr. Howl, and kicking the fence from his hidden retreat on the other side with such ferocity I watched the wood shudder.

WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!  “KNOCK IT OFF.”  The slam of my dad’s hand against the fence drowned out the sound, and the sudden silence from the other side had an almost shocked quality to it.  


From the safety of staring at my lap I glance back at the man on the corner, through my lashes, trying to see him for who he is, who he isn’t, who he might be, and who I might have been if I’d been less lucky.

And suddenly, I’m so ashamed of myself and my avoidance I can feel it crawling over my skin.  It’s french fries, Becky.  It’s not the winning lotto ticket, or the cure for cancer, or the last doily your great-grandma knitted before she passed away. It’s just $2 worth of french fries, and an ice cream shake, and I’m hunched over it like I’ll lose it and never see it again.

Guilt prickles like acid, eating its way past the barriers I’ve erected to keep the world out, burning through to a hidden place where the only person who has the strength to hurt me is Me.

I roll down my window.  “Hey,” I call.

Our eyes meet.

“I’ve got some lunch, if you want some…?”

I wait for him to approach before I hand it to him through my open window, feeling the waves of heat against my skin, the difference in temperature causing goosebumps to dot my forearms.   I pass over out the brown bag full of fries, and then a smaller bag with the real ice-cream shake. Our hands touch, for a brief moment, a fleeting contact even more nebulous than the touch of our eyes.

“Thank you.”

“No prob,” I say, and I mean it.

And then because I’m me I ruin it by following up with, “Stay cool,” from the air-conditioned interior of my new car.  I wince and wish I could retract it, to say something different, something more, but then the light is green and I’m through the intersection, and I’ve always sucked at small talk so there’s no sense hating myself now.

I merge on the freeway before I take a sip from the Dr. Pepper that stayed in my car.  It stayed because to give him the drink was to give him my lunch – and I wasn’t giving my lunch away, I was sharing it.  It seemed important to me, that distinction – a difference that resonates in my head and my heart in a way which helps me see clearly. Giving implies charity.  Charity implies obligation and debt.  Sharing is just… human, or at least what humans should be.

And besides – curly fries won’t change anything. It won’t change the biases I struggle to see through or the way my life is going, or the way his life is going, where he’ll sleep tonight or or where either of us will eventually end up.

But in sharing my lunch I meet his eyes, and in meeting his eyes I can meet my own in the mirror, and for today, that’s enough for me.

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What I’ve Been Up To

Holy crap, I’m tired.

Twice a week I volunteer at DHS.  Twice a week I clean stalls at a barn.  I landed gratefully into an amazing, daydream of a job – 20 hours a week as a library assistant, surrounded by the sweet scent of books and knowledge.  Still, it’s work.  I’m kind of amazed how hard of work it is – each shift at the library feels as busy as waitressing on Friday evening at Olive Garden.  I come home happy, but exhausted – brain full of Dewey call numbers and random tidbits from patron accounts.

A long winter bled into a too-short spring, and now all of a sudden it’s summer.  Summer – that gold-green, too-fleeting time of year in the Pacific Northwest.  I should be reveling in it, but instead I feel like I’m living a game of whack-a-mole gone bad.

Clean the house – WHACK.  Clean the stalls – WHACK.  Clean the files at DHS – WHACK. Clean the shelves at the library – WHACK.  I throw food at dogs who long for a walk, food at the too-many-chicks which are now nearly grown, food at the cats, food at the kids, lunches at the husband.  WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK.

I dash to the grocery store and eyeball the shelves in frustration. I push aside the thoughts of the of the runs I’m not running, the horse I’m not riding, the books I’m not finishing, the friends I’m not seeing, the corner of the kitchen still unpainted, the husband who works too many hours for his sanity, and focus instead on the cost of chicken quarters vs chicken thighs vs whole chickens.  Family of four, gluten-free, snacks for children, low-carb for the adults, quick to cook, and under $600 a month.  I can do this.  WHACK.

This fancy new blog sits quiet and unused.  It’s not for lack of words – it’s just a matter of time.  I love writing here – it’s my happy space, but….. but I would really like a little extra money, so any chance I get to sit down with my computer is now spent feverishly working on my story. I  really, really, REALLY want to pitch and possibly even sell a book at the upcoming Willamette Writer’s Conference.  I don’t know if the Whack-A-Moles of my life are going to let me finish in time, but I’m going to give it all I’ve got until then.


I wrote that a little over two weeks ago.  I realized the whole thing just sounded… I dunno.  It wasn’t quite whiny, but it also wasn’t very interesting.

And then today, when I realized I was actually feeling human again, for the first time in ages… I noticed it’s been over six weeks since I last updated.

Six weeks – how can that be?

Well, I know how it can be – I’ll think of a story that I want to write… and then I’ll think, “Oh, gee before I do that I should probably do some kind of an update.  I’ve got that update started, so I can just finish up that, and then get back into the story… Wait.  Wait, Becky.  Think about this:  If you’re going to do all that work, you need to type on your book.”

So I work on my book, and the whole scenario repeats itself again the next day, and the next thing you know it’s been over six weeks since I last posted anything.

So.  Here is my life in a nutshell:

I’ve quit the barn job – it was fun, but it was too much.

I’ve knocked down a lot of my hours volunteering at DHS – it was also fun, but it was too much.

I go to the barn twice a week, even if it’s only for five minutes.

I’m entirely hopeful I can finish my book before the first week in August… but I’m still trying. We’ll see.

I’m doing great now, but this winter was terrible – honestly, one of the hardest times of my life.  I lost Wayne, the gentleman I was taking care of.  At the same time I was tailspinning from that, a good friend pointed out (THANK YOU, AMY, YOU LIFESAVER) that maybe I was struggling with side effects from my ADHD medication.  That night, as I lay in a fetal position sobbing in the bathtub (again), I realized… oh.  Oh, yes.  I remember this.  This isn’t me.  This is depression.

Depression is a tricky thing – I’ve struggled with it in the past, both the normal variety and the medically-induced variety.  The medically-induced variety is the easiest to fix.. but it’s also the hardest to pinpoint.  I mean, when a pill gives you a headache, it’s a pretty obvious side effect.  When life seems pointless, like there’s no point in trying and and who cares anyways, and it’s never gonna get better….

It’s hard to remember that it could be the fault of a pill.  Thank HEAVENS I’m lucky enough where it can be fixed by taking away or adding a pill.  I know how lucky I am.

Anyways, I quit the meds cold-turkey per my old doctor’s suggestion and began the process of teaching my brain how to produce dopamine (happy feelings) again.  It took about six weeks of living with a crazy brain, trying to emulate normal, human interaction before I felt human again.  I’m on a different pill now (Yay, Concerta) – slightly less effective, but without the “fat crying woman in a bathtub” side effective.  It’s a lovely trade-off, I think.

Dang, this post got dark… it wasn’t supposed to be dark.  But, by golly, I’m gonna keep muddling through it.  Heck, I may not even proofread before hitting publish, because if I don’t publish this tonight, it’ll probably be another six weeks before I get around to it.

So, I got the library job (HOORAY!), I love it (HOORAY), my days are filled with sunshine and hard work, and good friends, and a gorgeous horse (HOORAY).

I’ve got a story going in my book, and I feel like it’s a good one.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I know how many hoops I need to jump through between writing and getting a check from a publisher…. but I’m not gonna lie, I’m hopeful, and getting a little bit excited about it.

In the meantime… have a few photos of what I’ve been up to over the past few weeks.And yes, this is the most disjointed post I’ve written in awhile… but I made it a goal to finish this post tonight, and I’m trying to learn how to follow through on personal goals even when they’re not perfect.

What have you all been up to?

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