Conversations With The Goats

“Good morning. We’re baby goats. Come snuggle us.”

“I wish I could, guys, but I have to go to work.”

“What is work?”

“It’s where I go sit for 9-10 hours a day and move around pieces of paper, and -”

“And eat them?”

“What? No? I don’t eat them, I just push them around my desk, or from department to department, and make sure people scribble the right words on them.”

“That sounds boring.”

“It’s actually not too bad. Although, sometimes people who are mad about government or something that happened to them try to take out their grumpiness on me.That’s not really fun.”

“Is it because you chewed on the wiring on their BBQs?”

“No, no, I don’t do that. That’s just you guys. I’ve never acquired a taste for BBQ wiring.”

“Oh, it’s the best! I mean, nothing really beats whole cows milk mixed with buttermilk and evaporated milk, heated up and served in an old soda bottle….

Mmmmmmm…. It makes our tails wag just thinking about it! But seriously, BBQ wiring is a close second. Maybe you should offer some BBQ wires to the grumpy people to appease them.”

“I don’t think that will help.”

“Have you tried?”

“…. No. No, I have not.”

“Well, then how would you know? Besides, you should definitely stay home from this “work” and hang with us instead.”

“I can’t. I really can’t.”

“We could snuggle, and then later we’ll go outside and run around aimlessly, darting about and then randomly stopping, over and over. The goal is to dash around as erratically as possible.  It’s best if you pretend the floor is lava and that it’s burning your hooves, so you need to sproing in the air as high as possible. You get extra points if you twist around at the apex of the sproing.”

“I don’t think I’d look as cute as you, if I sproinged around the yard. Moms in their late 30s definitely don’t sproing as well as baby goats.”

“Sproinging is the best. You’ll love it. When we get bored with sproinging and running around we can climb up things and jump off of them. That’s always good for an hour or two of fun.  When you get hungry, since you don’t like BBQ wires, you could enjoy some of the weird moss that grows on the muddy hillside by the house. That will make you happy.”

“Eww. No thanks. I’ve been meaning to ask you – why don’t you eat the goat food and Timothy hay I left out for you?”

“That stuff is boring. Moss is much better, although we’re seriously beginning to question your taste.  You really don’t like eating old moss OR BBQ wires?”


“Shoelace strings?”


“That dangly sleeve on the sweatshirt your kids keep forgetting to put away?”


“One of our neck wattles? Chewing is no good, but you could suck on it for awhile? We find it very soothing, almost as soothing as laying on your lap and getting scritched.”

“I’m NOT sucking on your neck wattles. That sounds….. uncomfortably gross, like something that should only happen between two consenting adults.”

“Oh, no, it’s very soothing. Try it! Patches has the best wattles, but Gazelle’s can do in a pinch.”

“No. That’s gross. And frankly, I wish you guys would quit doing it. It weirds me out.”

“It’s not gross, it’s wonderful!”

“We’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Look, I really need to get to work. You guys have a great day doing all your…. your goat things. Sorry I can’t stay with you.”

“We don’t think you’re making good decisions. Work is silly. Hanging out with us is obviously the better choice.”

“On that we can agree.”