I would like to meet the person who designed grocery store layouts.

I’d like to meet him, and then immediately smack him on the back of his head.

I mean, REALLY. Whose decision was it to stash the condoms right next to the feminine hygiene products? Is that really necessary? Buying a box of tampons is embarrassing enough as it is.

I don’t like doing it. I know it’s stupid to be embarrassed, but I can’t help it.

Every time I go to the store to pick up a box of feminine hygiene products, whether it’s tampons or kotex, I feel like I might as well have a huge neon sign blinking over my head, flashing, “BLEEDING. THIS WOMAN IS MENSTRUATING, AND BLEEDING, AND HER HOO-HOO IS ALL GROSS.” I feel like I ought to hire a band of ancient Levitical priests to walk ahead of me and clear the aisle ways by hollering out, “UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN WOMAN!” in disapproving tones while I ponder store-brand vs. name-brand. Having to make this decision while standing next to some 19 year old wanna-be stud just compounds an already fragile situation.

This is the exactly what happened to me a few nights ago. After walking past the aisle several times, waiting for the “stud” to finish agonizing over his own personal decision, I finally bit the bullet and stood beside him. I think we were both trying to out-wait each other before making our decision, so I finally gave up and reached for my purchase.

That’s when it turned dangerous.

While putting my chosen box into the cart, I distinctly saw him glance with slightly raised eyebrows at the economy-size vat of tampons I bought. Yes, Mr. Nosy, I did buy a box that contains roughly 3,378,926 tampons. I did it because I am economical, not because I have a gynecological disorder. I did it because I am trying to postpone repeating this loathsome chore for as long as possible. So keep your slightly-raised eyebrows to yourself next time, okay?

If I hadn’t have had the good sense to walk away, this situation could have turned really ugly, really fast. I called up my sister on my way home to discuss the stupidity of the tampons/condoms placement, and she agreed. Who came up with such a stupid layout? After a bit of arguing, and a lot of laughter, we finally came to a unified conclusion.

My sister and I would like to open our own grocery/convenience store. It will have all of the benefits of a normal grocery store, but instead of mixing angry, hormonally-charged women with horny, eyebrow-raising teenagers, the last three aisles of the store will be as follows:

Aisle 16: Feminine hygiene products/Chocolate/Cookies
Aisle 17: Diapers/Formula/Baby Supplies
Aisle 18: Frozen Pizza/Beer/Condoms

See? Doesn’t it make perfect sense? Aisles 16 and 18 will have their own private self-checkout, so that everybody can buy their own items in embarrassment-free comraderie. And in between the two aisles is a tiny little reminder about why both aisles are oh-so-important.

Anyways, I think it’s genius.