I started my maternity leave yesterday.

Considering my due date is, well, today, I figured it might be time.

I’m having an absolute blast.

I’m sitting in front of the Internet, nibbling on an apple, sipping some fresh-squeezed orange juice (at least, that’s what it claims on the Minute Maid carton), and occasionally biting into a 2 lb chunk of cheddar cheese.

Yeah, that’s right. I have no shame. Admit it: you guys all wish you were as classy as me.

Right now the DragonMonkey is peaceably watching TV, taking a break before we head over to Frogg’s Bounce House. I don’t normally plug places on my blog, but WOW. This place is incredible. Bounce houses, slides, air hockey, train tables, baby toys, toddler toys, comfortable couches, air conditioning, Michael Buble singing in the background… Unlimited monthly pass for only $30 a month? Am I in dreamland?

Every once in awhile, even I have to admit there are perks to living in Orange County.

At any rate, since I am about to spend another full day letting the DM romp in toddler heaven, I don’t feel too guilty about plopping him down in front of the TV and ignoring him for a bit.

After all, the DragonMonkey isn’t usually much of a TV watcher.

Of course, that was before we bought Big Bertha.

Big Bertha is our new television.

After over two years of saving up, the Bean and I bought one of those large-screen, wall-mounted, high-definition, Internet-savvy TVs.

The Bean is in love.

He sits in front of it, turning it on and leaning back with all the excited, expectant air of a man at a strip club awaiting a lap dance.

“Look at the clarity!” he exclaims. “Look at the color!”

“Yeah,” I reply.

His voice drops lower, almost sensuously so. “It’s like we’re looking through a window into someone’s living room…”

“Mmm–hmm“, I say absently, nose buried in my book.

“With the LED it reduces the glare impaction….” his voice is turning husky.

I glance over at him, annoyed. Maybe I should leave the two of them alone?

“You can see every detail…”

And the truth is, you can.

The Bean and I butted heads over Big Bertha for quite awhile before we ended up making the purchase.

I wanted a TV large enough to be able to see from the couch and thin enough that we could hang it on the wall.

The Bean wanted a TV with advanced enough technology that it could double as a portable space station if NASA ever had the need.

Who do you think won?

Well, let me put it this way.

When we used to watch Avatar, Neytiri used to look like this:

Now that we have paid an exorbitant amount of money for our fancy new television, I can now watch Neytiri in all her blue-ray glory, which leaves her looking more like this:

GIFSoup

Oh, well. At least the Bean is happy.

In fact, he’s so happy he even created an entire Facebook album dedicated to the television.

No, I am not kidding.

He has close-up photos of mounting plates and Cat-6 Network cables, all of which he describes in passionate detail.

I’d be jealous, but I guess I can’t really complain, seeing as how my own Facebook page is covered with one album from our marriage and about 76 million photos of Bunnygal’s horses.

Anyways, I’m off to Frogg’s to go see if I can bounce the Squidgelet out.

How much do you want to bet that all I end up doing is bouncing out some pee and wetting my pants?

Again?