Bad Max.

No, you may not get up in the middle of the night because you are thirsty.  Quit whining.

I said, Quit WHINING.

Fine.  It’s three in the morning, but I’ll tromp out of bed and let you have a drink of water, just because you’re thirsty.  You know, there are starving dogs in Mexico who could wait until morning.  Wild village dogs on the African plain probably manage longer than five hours without access to fresh water.   Do you have any idea how easy you have it?  You wouldn’t last three minutes in the wild.

Are you done yet?  Fine.  Get back in bed.  Good dog.  Good night.

DOG, QUIT WHINING.  Max!  Can you hear me?  QUIT IT!   NO WHINING!  BAD MAX!  It’s four in the morning – I was just up!

Seriously, no whining!

FINE.  You have to pee.  I told you this is what would happen if you drank all that water.  Couldn’t you have waited three more hours to drink?  Sheesh.  Hurry up and pee.

 No, I do not want to play.  Go to bed.  Good dog.

Good morning, Max.  Yes, I’m happy to see you , too.  You’re a good dog.  Now get out of the kitchen while I cook.  No begging.

Seriously, dog, no begging!  Get!  Good boy.

What did I just say?  I said no begging!  GO! Good boy.

What the…..GET OFF THE COUNTER, MAX!  DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT PANCAKE— BAD!  BAD MAX!  NO!  DROP IT!

Nononono…. please don’t pee…. I didn’t mean to yell…..crap.  Too late.  Sigh.  I’ll go get something to clean it up.

SQUIDGELET, DON’T TOUCH THAT, IT’S DOG PEE….. Crap.  Too late.  SIGH. 

DragonMonkey, leave that poor dog alone.  He doesn’t want to play chase right now.  Poor Max.  You’re a good boy.  Any other dog would have eaten the DragonMonkey by now.  Good boy, Max.

Here, let’s go on a walk so we can burn off some energy. 

Seriously, dog, sometimes you’re more trouble than you’re worth.  The rules really aren’t that hard to follow.  Don’t pee in the house.  Quit breaking into the babies’ room and eating their poopy diapers.  Don’t steal food off the counters.  Is it really that confusing?  I’ve never had a sweeter, more disobedient dog.  I can’t tell if you are being passive aggressive and deliberately ignoring the rules or if you’re really incapable of remembering them. Bad Max.  Bad.

Okay, yes, you’re really good with the kids.  But don’t think you’re off the hook, mister.  You’ve been a very bad dog today.  You don’t deserve to go on this walk.  I’m very upset with yo—

No, DragonMonkey, I’m not mad at Max.  Yes, I know you love him.  He’s a good dog.  But seriously, isn’t it nice to imagine a nice, peaceful house where you can leave sandwiches on the counter and they don’t get eaten?  It’s not like he does anything for us.  We don’t have any robbers he chases away.  Our carpet does just fine without the piddle on it.  If we could figure out a market for all that hair he’s continually growing it might be worth it, but right now grooming the dog is just one more item on my never-ending checklist of To-Do’s.  Is all the hassle of dog ownership really worth it?