Pregame Pep Talk: Okay, Becky. It’s a Monday morning, and everyone has gathered around to celebrate a fellow employee’s birthday. You should make some small talk! Let’s do this!
Mouth: Oooh, look, a person! We should start talking. We should just, you know, start stream-of-consciousness talking out loud, until we hit on an interesting subject.
Brain: NO! Good lord, you’re 37. We’ve been telling you to knock this off for almost four decades. STOP IT. That is not the answer. That is NEVER the answer.
Eyes: Look at that lady’s gorgeous outfit. You should tell her how pretty it is.
Brain: …. Okay. That seems safe. Mouth? Are you on board?
Mouth: Tell her she looks sexy? Sure, I can do tha—
Brain: OMG NO. STOP. Don’t….. just don’t move, until I give the signal.
Mouth: Who doesn’t like to hear that they’re attractive? That’s a great compliment. I’m gonna do it.
Brain: HAND! HAND, DO SOMETHING!
Hand: I’m already on it. I’ve shoved a waffle in Mouth. Better hurry though. It’s not gonna last long.”
Brain: Way to go! Can you put in a bigger piece, and try to buy us some time?
Hand: No! Remember that time Mouth tried to swallow everything real fast so it could start moving, and we all almost choked to death? Or worse, what if Mouth forgets all the training we keep going over and tries to wad all the food over to one side so it’s “hidden” and not technically talking while full? That is so gross. I’m not going to be responsible for that.
Eyes: Oooh, I know that coworker! Didn’t she just adopt a kitten? Ask about the kitten.
Brain: Good one. That’s safe. Kittens are always safe to talk about. Mouth, are you empty? Almost? Okay, swallow, and then repeat after me, very carefully. Do not add words. Do not ad lib. Just say, “Hey, coworker, how is your kitten?”
Mouth: Gulp. “Hey, coworker, how’s your kitten?”
Coworker: “Oh, lovely! What a sweetie. He’s a great mouser, too!”
Brain: Good. Good. This is good conversation. We’re on it. We’re doing it. Go team. Look at us, moving together flawlessly, seamlessly, like a normal adult. Mouth, continue the conversation. You know how standard conversation goes. Repeat back what she said, in an agreeing sort of way.
Mouth: Oh, I love good mousers! My old cat was a great mouser.
Coworker: “It’s so great having a good mouser. He even caught one that snuck into the house, which my older cat ignored.”
Brain: Excellent. Kitty cats are good, safe topic. Mouth, ask her how her other cat is adjusting to the new kitten.
Mouth: “Oh, that is great! I’ve got an older cat, too. He’s a terrible mouser. He rarely catches anything that I can tell, and when he does, he brings them inside.”
Brain: No! You were supposed to ask her about her adult cat. Do not ad lib! Mouth, are you listening to me? You are at work, at a meeting with other coworkers. Stay on topic.
Mouth: “Sometimes he only half kills the little mice before he brings them inside.”
Brain: STOP! NO! Mouth, can you hear me? Mouth, stop moving! Oh, man. Oh, man, guys, this is bad. Mouth has gone rogue. This is an emergency. Eyes, find something! Hands? Hands, shove waffle in Mouth!”
Hands (wailing): I can’t! I’m trying, but I can’t! Mouth won’t stop moving. Other people will see the food, or teeth might get me! I’m waiting for an opening, but Mouth just keeps moving! There’s no target!
Mouth: “..and then he lets the little half chewed mice loose, for us to catch like we’re useless kittens, haha, and their mangled little bodies creep under stuff, and they die where we can’t reach them, and they start to decompose…”
Brain: SOMEBODY STOP MOUTH. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!
Eyes: I’m trying! Where’s a clock? Somebody find a clock in the room!
Brain: I think there’s one on the wall. Remember? To the left…. to the left! Eyes, make her glance at it!
Mouth: “….and then it can take days for their dead bodies to dry up enough that they stop smelling up the house…”
Eyes: Look at the shiny clock. It’s 5 minutes to 8:30. Repeat. It’s 5 minutes to 8:30. Repeat, the clock says it’s 5 minutes to 8:30.
Brain: HEY MOUTH, IT’S 5 MINUTES TO 8:30. WE NEED TO GO RELIEVE THE PERSON COVERING FOR US AT THE FRONT DESK. SEE? SEE THE CLOCK?
Mouth: “And honestly, sometimes we never find them…. Oh, shoot. I’ve got to go. I’ll finish that story later. Enjoy your breakfast, and good luck with your cat!
Sigh.
Socially awkward extroverts unite!
… and then try to make small talk, and probably gross each other out, or maybe subtly insult each other, or laugh too weird, and then go home and spend the next few hours wondering why on earth did you say that?
That’s okay, though. Don’t despair. You’ll all get lonely enough by yourself that sooner or later you’ll be brave enough to try to again.
#1: The mouseover text reads: “Doug cannot taste his teeth. He doesn’t know why that was the first thing out of his mouth.” #2: Wondermark is my new favoritest webcomic ever.
And people say being an introvert is hard. Yeesh.
Being a socially awkward introvert is not better, because you have to bully mouth and brain and hand into being there, and because you’re bullying them you’re a beat or two too late and someone else started talking first but you panic and talk over them loudly. And your ability to do appropriate subjects doesn’t improve – on Tuesday I covered disembowelled mice, one of my cats things for frogs (including hand gestures to illustrate how she carries them with two little legs sticking out of her mouth), and way more detail on equine insemination than I ought to have with co-workers and suppliers I’d never met before. Reflecting back on it, is there any socially acceptable number of times you can say ‘semen’ at the dinner table?
Plus as an introvert, until I read your post and played back my own conversation I was just proud of myself for joining in!
Ugh. Guess who thought that horse AI was an appropriate parting story in the office the other day?
Yay us.
I need to repeat to myself daily: “Artificial Horse Vagina is not proper office talk. Artificial Horse Vagina is not proper office talk.”