Uterus: Do you want to make a baaaaby?
Me: What? You’re mumbling again. What’d you say?
Uterus: Do you want to build a baby?
Me: Oh, holy heck. No. Not again. Please don’t. I hate that song. Shut up.
Uterus: Do you want to build a baaaaby?
Me: Stop it. Please don’t sing that song again. NO SONGS FROM FROZEN, AND NO BABIES.
Uterus: Come on let’s go and plaaaaay
Me: Seriously. Stop it.
Uterus: I never have fun anymore…
Me: Good.
Uterus: I get a little bored…
Me: Shut up.
Uterus: Now that the babies inside me have gone awaaaaaaay.
Me: …… are you done yet?
Uterus: You used to keep me busy, now there’s just empty wallls, watching the uterus lining flow byyyyyyyyyy……
Me: …… Now are you done?
Uterus: Do you want to build a baaaby?
Me: NO.
Uterus: Okay, byyyeeee 🙁
A couple weeks later
Me: Hello?
Uterus:
Me: Hello? Uterus?
Uterus:
Me: Hey, sweetie, I’m sorry I didn’t let you build a baby, but, you know, I have a say in these things, too.
Uterus:
Me: Look, you can’t ignore me forever. We’ve got a timeline for our conversations. Remember? That thing that happens once a month?
Uterus (mumbling): Don’t wanna.
Me: You don’t wanna? Huh? What’s that supposed to mean? Look, it’s time for you to do your thing.
Uterus. No.
Me: Hey, trust me. I wish it wasn’t an option, but it is. it’s time to clean house, so let’s just get it over with, okay?
Uterus: No. I made a nursery for the baby. It’s lovely. I wanna keep it.
Me: What? Why would you make a nursery?
Uterus: For the baby. It’s beautiful, and the baby is going to love it.
Me: You do realize how stupid that is, right? Why would you make a nursery for a baby that was never gonna happen? I specifically told you we weren’t going to have one. What a waste of time.
Uterus: No it’s not. I’m keeping this nursery.
Me: That’s…. that’s just gross. It’s already past due. Just get rid of it. You don’t even need it.
Uterus: YES I DO.
Me: What? Explain yourself.
Uterus: I’M KEEPING THE NURSERY. I NEED IT. BECAUSE…. BECAUSE REASONS, THAT’S WHY.
Me: ….. now you’re scaring me. Why do you need it?
Uterus: None of your business.
Me: Actually, it’s totally my business. What do you mean you need the nursery? I mean it. Tell me.
Uterus: I’m not telling you.
Me: Yes, you will. I’m going to force you to tell me the truth by using my magic wand, otherwise known as ClearBlue Pregnancy Stick. Now. Speak clearly into the wand, and tell me the truth: Did you smuggle in a baby while I wasn’t looking?
Uterus: No.
Me: Oh, thank heavens. You had me worrie–
Uterus: But I could be lying.
Me: WHAT?
Uterus: Oooh, ooh, I’m feeling weird. Is it because it’s a cramp? Or am I stretching the walls to make more room for the beautiful infant I’m housing? You’ll never know, because I’m NEVER TELLING YOU AND I’M NEVER GIVING YOU THIS NURSERY.
Me: I hate you. I’m going to make you speak into the wand of truth again tomorrow morning. You can’t lie as well first thing in the morning.
[Later that night]
Uterus: Hey, Becky, you awake?
Me: <snore>
Uterus: Are you really asleep?
Me: <SNORE>
Uterus: Good. Because you totally deserve this.
Me: What the…. WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?
Uterus: It’s what you wanted, you selfish waste of a human being!
Me: What is going on? Did somebody slaughter a rabbit in the bed? WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE MESS?
Uterus: I HATE YOU. I made a delightful nursery for the baby, and you’re forcing me to get rid of it, SO I’M GOING TO GET RID OF IT ALL AT ONCE BECAUSE YOU’RE A HORRIBLE PERSON AND THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE.
Me: This is not what I wanted at all! I don’t make these rules, you know. I just live by them! Oh, gross. Nasty. It’s everywhere. Why? Why would you do this to me? It’s not even six in the morning!
Uterus: BEHOLD THE WRATH OF MY RUINED BABY NURSERY! I WILL RAIN DOWN BLOOD UPON THEE LIKE YOU’RE CARRIE AT THE PROM. PLAGUE AND PESTILENCE AND GROSSNESS UPON THEE AND THY MATTRESS…
~~~~~~
And now you all know why I wish I was a man.
